Home > Family > So Sad

I’ve never written much about my personal life other than what I’m cooking or where I’m going, but I have no idea what to do with myself right now. I’m hoping that writing this, as depressing as it may be, will be therapeutic somehow. Or, maybe some of you can relate and know that you’re not alone?

I’m not sure what else to say except that this is the week that I was supposed to announce to you all, excited to announce to you all, that I am pregnant. We celebrated the end of our first trimester in Destin two weekends ago, shared our exciting news with family, and I couldn’t wait to start showing a little more of my baby bump for a “What I’m Wearing” outfit post.

Two years of trying, countless trips to a specialist in Jacksonville at 7:00 am over two hours away, 4 inseminations, 2 IVFs, over 100 shots, boxes of medication {pills, patches, and every other form of medication you can think of}, the help of an amazing counselor {to help me through my fear of medicine and my depression of not being able to get pregnant} and finally… we got a positive pregnancy test.

That was 3 months ago and it all came to a screeching halt when I lost the baby on Friday. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. We’d made it past the first trimester. This wasn’t supposed to happen, and not after everything we’ve been through! Earlier that week, I saw fingers and toes, arms and legs, and heard a heartbeat for the first time ever. All of our efforts and tears were for that beautiful baby we saw on the ultrasound monitor. Our baby! Now, only a week later, I’m feeling a little lonely without that little baby inside of my belly.

After everything we’ve been though, I still somehow someway know that it’s not all for nothing. I have faith! I really do! I just know that our prayers will be answered someday and that’s what’s keeping me going right now.

It’s not going to be easy getting back to business as usual. Since we went through IVF, I knew the exact date I’d be {hopefully} getting pregnant. The weekend before, I went blond to blend with my gray roots knowing I couldn’t dye my hair the first trimester and did 12 manis {3 months worth} in one weekend to stock up on Manicure Mondays. The lemon/lime mani was my first mani back as it marked the end of my first trimester, just two weeks ago.

I’ve been blogging over at TheLooksForLess.com for 3 years now, and part of the reason I started this blog is so that I could write about more than just budget + fashion including my love for cooking, manicures and DIY projects. Over time, with everything I’ve been going through, the idea of this blog became more and more important to me. I thought it would be nice to reach out to other friends that I know are going through the same thing, but with that said, I’m wondering if I’ll have the nerve to hit publish on a post so personal.

I’m not sure if I’ll blog more out of desperate need for a distraction, or less because it is so hard to concentrate right now. You all may have to bear with me while I attempt to get it together.

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Your Thoughts?

  • Praying for you during this difficult time and hope that as the days go on it gets easier. I don’t know the right words so I will just say that you are in my prayers

  • Lindsey E.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers as you stay strong and pull through this difficult time. Remember your family and friends are always there to listen and shower you with hugs. Only time will heal this deep wound, be patient.

  • Kat

    You are one of the strongest women I know! My prayers and thoughts are with you! I love you!

  • I cannot imagine the bravery it took for you to write this…thank you for sharing with us and I’m so so sorry for your loss. Will keep you in my prayers as you go through this tough time. Sending hugs your way!

  • Angel

    Thank you for writing this. I just recently found your site and I now not only do I know how incredibly talented you are, I know how truly strong you are. Writing that was a very powerful thing to do and I hope you will get all the support, strength and positivity back to help you through this difficult time. Sharing your experience is at the same time brave and generous since it will help others in similar situations. I hope you find that letting yourself to feel your emotions and leaning on your loved ones for support will bring you through to the other side. Don’t forget that after every storm comes a rainbow… we don’t always know immediately why things happen the way they do but have faith that this will all come together how it should in due time. Sending positive and loving thoughts your way!

  • Jenn, I’m so proud of you for hitting publish and I’m so thankful for our friendship. I consider it an honor to lift you up in prayer every day. When your day finally comes to be a mommy I will be rejoicing with you! In the meantime, I hope you will blog as much as you need/want to about this in order to process it. You know I’m here for you no matter what it is you need! Love you, friend. xoxo

  • I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m not a “kid person” myself, so I don’t know what it’s like to go through all you have for this. I do know what it’s like to work really hard for something, though, and have it not come through.and my heart hurts for you. I’m a new reader to your blog, but enjoy it a lot. My thoughts are with you.

  • I’m so sorry for you and your husbands loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I know in my heart that you will someday become a mommy and a wonderful one, you just have to believe. You are really brave for telling all of us this, and I will be here when you are ready to start blogging again :) Hugs <3

  • Lisa

    Thinking of you!

  • Praying for you! No one said it would be easy. But always know (no matter how down you feel) that God would never give you more than you can handle. XO

  • Stephanie McAllister

    Jen-I’m am so sorry to hear this. I had no clue you have been dealing with so much. You are an amazing selfless person who obviously gives your all in everything you touch. I wish I had the words to say to make the pain to away, but I know there are none. I know deep in my heart when you become a mother you will be one of the best. Please do not give up or loose your faith. Take comfort in your husbands arms & become stronger together. I’m so sorry & sad you have dealt with this on your own & had to face so many fears. If there is anything I can EVER do please let me know.

  • Natalie

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, Jennifer. My mum had a miscarriage when I was still about 8 years old, it was really difficult for her to explain to me and my 6 year old sister what had happened to the baby. (she wrote a picture book to explain it in an easy way!) But later, she got pregnant again, and now my little brother is 13! What I’m trying to say is: at least you know that you CAN get pregnant, now. So it’ll happen again. I hope it’ll be soon :) Stay strong! <3
    xxxxx

  • Monica

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  • Celina

    Jenn, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful, personal post. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, but I have faith that it will get better. I truly believe that God has a plan for you.

    Sending you lots of prayers and positive thoughts,
    Celina

  • Leisel

    I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this! There is absolutely nothing as strong as the desire for a child, and no greater heartache than the one you’ve experienced.

    I hope maybe my experience might prove hopeful to you. I admit… I didn’t have as much difficulty as you. My first 3 came along rather easily, in fact. After my 3rd, though, I developed poly cystic ovary syndrome. I didn’t know it for quite awhile… #3 was/is my difficult child, and there was a good long time after she was born (about 5 or 6 years) where I felt like I would be fine whether I had more or not. In fact, I wanted another one at least as much as I wanted my first, and eventually even more, because I had to wait so much longer and work so much harder at it and suffer through so much more heartache along the way.

    And then out of the blue, the desire for another baby hit me like a ton of bricks. So we started trying, and nothing was working, so I went to the doctor and found out about the PCOS. Got some medicine for that that supposedly helped with the infertility… And still nothing. Moved on to an infertility doctor and did years worth of various medicines, bi-monthly look-sees (such fun)… and still nothing. Not a single positive ovulation test EVER. I never felt like we could even try IVF, because we already had 3 kids who were going to need to go to college and missions(s) and weddings… it wasn’t fair to them to spend that money on my own wants.

    Eventually my doctor gave me some injectibles. This was truly a gift, because if I was officially being treated for infertility, then the insurance would no longer cover any of the costs, and the $2500 a month was, again, something I couldn’t justify. The medicines came from someone who had bought a full round of the injectibles, and then gotten pregnant relatively quickly, and then donated the remaining medication to the doctor, who then gave it to me at no charge. I can’t remember now if it was a month or two that I did that, and I got pregnant. I was so excited. We told family when we went home on vacation, and when we got back, I was past the 12 week mark and so we started telling friends. I went into the OB/GYN at 15 weeks for a checkup, all excited to hear the heartbeat. He didn’t find it with the regular Doppler machine, so he sent me over to the ultrasound dept. They did an ultrasound, and I saw the little baby there on the screen… and then they said “I’m sorry. There’s no heartbeat.”. They said that, based on the size, the baby had been gone for about 2 weeks. The whole time I’d been telling friends I was pregnant, the baby had been dead.

    I had to have a d&c. I’m sure you realize… the baby department in Walmart is located so you pretty much can’t avoid it when you go to the store, and even more so than before, practically every woman I passed was pregnant. And the doctors were making me wait to try again. I thought it couldn’t possibly happen again. I was OLD (just ask the doctors and their terms like ‘advanced maternal age’), and it was only because for the gifted injectibles that I had ever gotten there at all, and now that was gone. I’ve gotta tell you. You have more faith than I could muster a that point, and I’m so proud of you for that. Do you realize how strong that makes you (and I know… you don’t want to have to be strong… but you are amazing).

    Well, the doctor did end up giving me more injectibles when he finally let me come back, and I did get pregnant again, and despite some frustrations along the way (my blood tests and the bavay’s measurements led them to tell me he had a higher risk… 1 in 5… of having Down’s Syndrome, and I got gestational diabetes with this pregnancy), I gave birth to a wonderful, healthy baby boy on November 24th, 2010. He’s 16 months old now, and making it rather hard to get this typed out.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. I hope to hear of your heartache turning to joy, too. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about it.

    – Leisel

    • Leisel

      Scrolling to add a sentence made me stick it in an awkward place… Taliking about how much I wanted #4 should have come after my realization that I did want more. Please forgive any confusion that may have caused.

  • Shel

    Jennifer, I have been a loyal blog reader for a few years now, and my heart is truly aching for you. I will be thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way. Sharing this post shows just how brave and strong you are. I hope you will continue to blog about anything and everything, your blog is not only one of my favorites for all your fun fashion finds and inspiration, but because yor amazing personality shines through in all of your posts! I’m so sorry you have to go through this, and I hope you might find comfort in knowing your in everyone’s thoughts!

  • erin

    Jen, I’m so sorry.

    I subscribe to an embarrassing amount of blogs via Google Reader, and I rarely click on the link to see the blog directly, but I wanted to comment here that I’m so sorry about the baby. You have a community here who supports you and empathizes with you and is here to help you however we can – which may be admittedly little beyond distraction at this point – but rest assured, we care. And we’ll be here for you whenever you’re ready to post, whatever you want.

    <3

  • Cami P

    Jen, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Your post brought me to tears. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. <3

  • becky

    So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and your family. Hugs.

  • Claire

    My heart goes out to you!! Sending love and prayers your way. <3 <3 <3

  • Lauren

    I love you!

  • Chelsey Hawes

    Following your journey through Lauren and hearing about your loss this week, I’ve been struck by how strong you’ve been. I have no doubt that there will be a happy end to your journey.

  • I love you girl! I am so so so sorry! We will talk soon but just know God has another plan for you and JH- although I know that’s hard to understand right now (if ever). You are in my prayers. I’ll call to check on you in the next couple of days… if you need/want to talk before then call me anytime- day or night!

  • Kaite

    So brave of you to share your story xx

  • Brit

    You are in my thoughts! <3 <3 <3

  • Mandy

    Thank you for sharing something so personal with us all. I too would feel a bit lonely, and reaching out is a good thing. Don’t let your sadness consume you. There are so many people out there who have been through what you just experienced…..you will make it through this.

    Again, thank you for sharing and know there is a compassionate community behind you!

  • So sorry to have to read this Jennifer. I don’t always get the email updates for Fab Fatale, but this was meant to be and it came through as they normally should. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I too believe there is always hope to hang onto and that this is not the end of this journey for you! I love that you shared this with us all. Despite the topic of this post, it’s amazing when bloggers feel they can reach out to their readers and know that the support will be there. We are all here for you!

  • Deb

    Sending you my good thoughts. I know that your positive attitude and sunny look at life will help you through this.

  • Ale

    There are no perfect words for this situation. Thus I can only say that I lived through this with one of my BFFs and the healing and grieving is very individual. Do what you need to get back on your feet and regain your strength. This too shall pass. God Bless you infinitely, and your husband too. We will definitely be here waiting for you to get back!!!! XOXO

  • I am very sorry for your loss. I think it takes a lot of courage to publish and share your story. You will help a lot of women by being honest. I hope you feel better.

  • I’m incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. Wish you all the strength in the world and the best of luck if you decide to try out again somewhen in the future.

  • I am so sorry! Take your time to take care of yourself.

  • Prayers and virtual hugs being poured upon you my dear. So sorry. :(

  • LaTasha

    I am so sorry to hear what happened. It really saddens me, but please try to remain positive and keep your head up. We do not know one another personally, but I know you will be an amazing mom and our hubby an amazing dad. You guys will be parents! I am confident that you will. I am praying for you and your family.

  • Oh Jen! I could see the story unfolding even before I read all the words and I am so incredibly sorry that you and your husband have been going through this. Words cannot express the sorrow I feel reading this post. I cannot find the words to say because in a sense, it’s not ok that you’re going through this. :( I just want to reach out and give you a big BIG hug. I’m thinking of the two of you, and praying. I’ve had several friends who’ve had miscarriages and it breaks my heart that women have to go through that pain.

    Blogging can be therapeutic – like a diary but with a support system. Readers and bloggers alike can be some of the most supportive women. Just a few words here and there are enough to lift the spirits. I hope we’ve lifted yours just a little today. I am tearing up at my computer for you! I feel like I’ve known you for such a long time because of your blog and our twitter conversations. :) I will be thinking of you, my friend.

  • Patti L

    Jen, just wanting to say that I’m sorry and sending love your way. Patti LeBlanc

  • Cynthia

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope as you read all your fellow loyal readers comments that you can sense how much we are all here for you. Sending you hugs and kisses via the internet. :)

  • Lori

    I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried in December when I was 10 weeks pregnant. When you share that with people you find that you are not alone. I was fortunate that I did not have to go through so much to get pregnant, but I am in my 40’s so I know my clock is almost finished ticking. I am blessed with a 4 year old daughter and I am more thankful than ever for her. I will pray that God has a plan for you to become a mother and that you will take comfort in knowing that. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

  • Amanda

    You are such a strong woman to share your story! Thinking about you guys and praying for you! Love you! <3

  • Sara

    Wow, what an awful thing to go through. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Big, big hugs to you.

  • layla

    that has happened to me 2 times. the pain is just too strong… but eventually will reduce. I had to travel, just taking myself and almost no luggage… I went so so far away and recharged my batteries just accepting the beauty of a different place/culture. Then, to let go, I accepted the event and ‘gave’ my baby away. I came back relieved. I didn’t forget it at all, that’s in my history and made me somehow a better person. Next time, to avoid the pressure and any vibes, just kept it as a secret between me and my husband.
    I knew I could get pregnant! Now I have 2 boys. Believe!

  • Jen

    I had trouble conceiving (2 stillborns)..my situation was different. It wasn’t the conceiving I had a problem with it was keping the baby that my body couldn’t handle. I had clotting issues that they finally figured out after having 2 babies pass away..I thought I would never try again and never forget the pain but I have 3 children now. It was when we weren’t trying is when I began to relax. Easy to say now and I understand the pain you are feeling but try and stay positive..Sending prayers your way…

  • Nina

    I am so sorry. Losing a baby is never easy. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. May your faith be rewarded in wonderful ways.

  • Stacey

    I am so sorry to hear this. Just remember God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I wish you the best of luck in whatever your future might hold for you and your family.

  • Maria

    I am so sorry for your loss. The pain eases, but you will not forget, and it will never be exactly the same. That said, you will be happy again! My prayers are for peace and comfort in this sad time.

  • Please know that you are not alone in this. My heart goes out to you and your husband. We are right here with you. Just remember that there is hope…there is always hope, even when you feel broken.
    My husband and I struggled for years, as well. We had failed inseminations, losing a baby at 4 1/2 months into pregnancy with the 1st IVF, failed 2nd IVF attempt. Almost losing my twins with the third IVF…bleeding during the pregnancy…it was constant panic. The list is never-ending and it is all so overwhelming. Thankfully, the twins are happy and healthy…almost 4 now. All that pain, loss, struggle, heartache, misery are all a very distant memory. So, remember…always, always, always have HOPE and know that you are not alone. We are all here for you and with you.
    Thinking of you and sending positive vibes from NY.
    <3

  • i am so so sorry. i wish there were words to make you feel better. this is just heartbreaking. while i never had a miscarriage, it took us 1.5-2 years to get pregnant. i had one failed IUI and will never forget sobbing in the waiting room full of pregnant women. don’t lose faith. it WILL happen. thinking of you…

    xoxo, jenn

  • Susan Olson

    I’ve lost more than my fair share of babies, five to be exact. Nothing is fair. I never thought losing a child was fair. The pain eventually subsides but remembering each child lost remains in our memories. No words can take away the pain either. Well meaning people say so many things wanting to bring comfort. All through time people have had untimely births as in Job 3:16. I’ve been blessed because for each one I lost God gave me one. It takes a toll on your heart but I appreciate and I’m so thankful for the ones that I now have. God heals the broken hearted. Will be praying that your grieving process won’t be long and that He will sent a new life your way as soon as possible. It’s surprising that there are so many people that have lost children and no one ever really talks about it. Glad you shared. It makes people open up and healing all the more quicker.

  • Mama Mia

    I know it WILL happen for you and your hubby. You are smart, strong, loving and determined. So remember what was said about celebrating someday; fireworks must be included.

  • radmomma

    You are both in my prayers. I know that must have been difficult to share and I hope it helped you to begin to heal. May your unwavering faith in the Lord give you comfort and strength and bring you peace.

  • I’m so sorry to hear that.
    My heart goes out to you. Sending lots of love and strength. <3

  • Cori

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you!

  • I’m so sorry for your loss :(

  • I am so terribly sorry for your loss!! I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

    xo,
    Heather

  • Brienna

    I have never had to experience this myself and I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be but just remember that you have a huge family (not just your blood relatives either) that are here to support you and help you through this hard time. I’m sure you’re in more thoughts and prayers than could even be counted.

  • Laura

    So sorry for your loss! Be strong and for sure keep your faith. Faith and time and what needs to be will be :)

  • i’m so so sorry to hear this devastating news. my thoughts and prayers are with you; i’m here if you need anything. you’ll get through this… we all love you!! xx

  • OMG I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Sometimes a distraction helps us get through the difficult time but don’t stress too much about it or feel like you have to. Keeping you in my thoughts!

  • Sara

    I hope all of the comments you are getting from other women are comforting to you in knowing you are not alone in this. Keep your faith strong and you will be blessed one day.

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  • Christina Robinson

    Jenny,
    I love you with all my heart and I am truly sorry for your loss. I know that God will give you that bundle of joy that you have been waiting for. Just keep your faith alive and know that it will happen. My heart and prayers and with you and the family (especially Jadge!!!).

    Sincerely,
    Christina

  • Oh, Jennifer, I’m so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you.

    You will have that bundle of joy in your arms…just let it be on God’s time. When we try to bend the universe to do our bidding, our plan always fails. If you have patience and wait for God’s time and his plan…everything will work out more magically than you can ever imagine it to be. That’s the time you want your baby to come into this world…and not a second earlier.

    I highly recommend meditating. It will help you sort out what’s going on inside and give you the wisdom and tools you’ll need to cope with this great loss and move forward. It will give you peace, but most of all, you’ll feel that love inside of you that will help you feel stronger when you feel so weak.

    Hugs and kisses,

    Michelle

  • Your title says it all. SO SAD!!

    I am so sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you!

  • Angel

    I am sorry to hear about ur loss. There is no words that cant take away your pain. I have problems with my second and third children both preemies and my fourth I miscarried. The pain was so hard. I still after 10 yrs remember and think i should have had a little girl or boy about 9 yrs old but it wasnt meant to happen. my problem wasnt getting pregnant but my body could deal. you and your husband will have a baby when the time is right. you need to relax and not stress. when you do get pregnant stay off your feet as much as you can. I would be very careful knowing the problems you have had in the past. you and your husband are in my prayers. god is looking over you maybe he thinks that he has more plans for you before its time for a baby . i dont know hun but keep ur head up even on the days its just to hard.

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